[Last time for intruding upon your Group. Sorry for all this]
When you talk to mum again, tell her how much I appreciated being invited to that little ceremony at the cemetary after Uncle Bob passed away. I had actually been debating whether to go or not, but was leaning more towards "Yes" because I didn't know when I would see all my relatives together again (on my mum's side, of course). I thought it would be rather nice to see you all, and I wouldn't be trapped inside someone's house...I could walk around the cemetary, talk with people, see how much everyone has changed since I left and then came back from California. So, I was waiting for mum to tell me when it was to be held. Next thing I knew, it was OVER....and so was the celebration of his life at Carole's house. I wasn't invited.
Go ahead, tell them. You've read all my other personal postings. NOT MEANT FOR YOUR EYES, OF COURSE. And you may not think so, but by not telling me who you are and that you're reading my Blog, you are for all purposes LYING to me. What a great bunch of relatives and friends of the family that are out there. I'm just LOVING how you have all snuck into my personal, private world and SPY. Guess what? Believe this or not....and it may come as quite a shock to you....BUT MY LIFE IS NOT FOR YOU TO KNOW!!!! And then to talk about it?!? And I just know that not one single person is going to 'fess up, are you? Ooohhh....I hear that little gossip network again. Hard at work....did you just read what she just wrote?
If you don't even invite me to the cemetary, why the HECK would I want you reading about my personal life????? And so far, not even ONE person has agreed with what you all have done. This is not a newsletter that I send out to my relatives and friends.......this is my Blog that I (meaning of *I* = ME), and only *I* get to choose who gets to read. I had no problems with strangers reading it, but I most certainly do when it's people I know and they are all "whisper, whisper"....we won't talk to her, we won't let her know we are here. We'll just violate her privacy, and spread the news. Who knew the internet could be so much fun. Hey, you are all a spy network now! Good for you!
Again, thanks for the invite to the cemetary. Thumbs up. Great idea!
I'm getting off the computer now. You've completely ruined something that was special to me. Thank you kindly.
[Sorry for intruding again, but I don't know where these people are located...so I have to send the message out to them through all of my Groups. Thanks, guys]
Okay, I don't know who these people are that know my parents as well as know that I have a Blog and Username. How, or more especially, WHY would they hunt me down on the internet like a rabid dog? And then not even letting me know that they are reading my posts? They HID from me while checking everything out about me. How did they know my Username??? How did they even know I had a Blog?? I certainly didn't tell anyone other than my kids, a couple of friends in the US, and my mum (who still doesn't understand it...she thinks blogging is the same as Messenger. I'm not even going to bother to explain to her).
Anyways, I just checked my regular email, and there was a message from her. A new message from mum, part of which says: " I thought BLOGGING would be the same as when I used to have MESSENGER. I only had 3 or 4 people who could get on it and I thought you'd be able to do the same with BLOGGING. I guess anyone can get on because I've heard from more than one person. They thought I should know. It seems terrible that you went through that on Saturday morning and your family didn't know."
For starters, it didn't happen on Saturday. And what REALLY bothers me is that "more than one person" has been in touch with her about this. What the HECK?!? Why would they possibly think that she should know? I can understand if I had ended up in the hospital, but this is ridiculous.
So.....it's not just one person reading my Blog and "ratting me out", so to speak. And my dad thinks it's unethical to tell me their names. Gosh darn it!!! Both the gossipers and my parents are wrecking my little world here on the internet.
I'm going to have to go Private. I hate that. If I delete you and you are totally innocent, I really have to apologize. I don't know what I'm looking for. And when you go Private, does anyone know if your postings will still end up on the internet...outside of the Blogging company? I've found a ton of things that I've written posted on the internet when I googled my Username. What's the point of going private if it's still going to get on the internet? I guess if that happens, I'll have to change my Username and go someplace else. But I enjoy this little Blogging site simply because it's not one of the BIG ones.
I'll try going Private later on.....and then check to see if it gets onto the internet.
Unethical to tell me their names?? That's not right. That's simply protecting them. THEY violated my space. I do NOT want to share my life with these people who know my parents....and who probably are my relatives!! I don't have a problem with them reading everything else, but not the PERSONAL postings. Gosh.....I'm just really irritated now. YOU HEAR ME?? I'M REALLY ANNOYED WITH YOUR BEHAVIOR!!!! SINCE YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE, THAN I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT YOU WERE PRACTICALLY SPYING ON ME! I THINK YOUR WAY OF FOLLOWING SOMEONE'S LIFE IS EXTREMELY UNETHICAL.......HIDING FROM ME!! WHAT TYPE OF RELATIVE OR FRIEND DOES THAT??
I've had enough of this. I'll go private eventually, and if I find some postings on the internet while in the Privacy Mode, then a lot will be changing. Sorry, guys. Some people don't know when to keep their mouths zipped. This was MY affair, and it was MY decision to make as to who I would tell.
I don't know when I'll change over, but you'll know when you go to my homepage. If you've been made an innocent victim because of these "well-meaning" people, then I will look into it further. I can't stand that my parents don't see MY side of it.
Or maybe I'll just stay the way I am....knowing I'm being WATCHED (which really gets my blood boiling!!!!!!!)...but just posting the way I used to. Nothing personal anymore. I don't know. Does anyone know if going Private keeps the posts off the internet??
I can just see their little gossiping circle. One phones another with my Username, then another phones around and comments on the half-nude woman I posted (for shame!), and another calls the others to listen to one of my songs, and then they ALL phone mum and dad about my little adventure. Oh, I'm sure they've called different times. But hey....photos do wonders to liven up a story!
[Since I don't know if you actually are a member of my neighborhood, I'm sending this message out to all the Groups I belong to. You are around here somewhere.....and you NEED to read this!]
TO THE TORMENTING, UGLY GOSSIPER:
I don't know who you are, but you had absolutely no right whatsoever to send those photos and postings to my PARENTS (who are in their 70's, and my mum JUST lost her brother!!!!).
This is a safe site. We have Usernames. We don't tell who we really are unless we become friendly in private. This was the most unethical way to respond to someone's postings! Why didn't you just private message me in the Blog mailbox? You don't sneak around behind my back and tell something like that incident (photos and all!!!!!!!!!!) to MY aging parents! Who do you think you are? My guardian angel?? My dad has high blood pressure, my mum is having tests done. Years ago, mum had a very slight heart attack when my sister was in a car accident and they were told that she probably wouldn't make it through the night. Now these people are in their SEVENTIES!!!!!
These are MY parents. This is MY safe place to come to and usually just post stupid stuff, but sometimes I open up and write about personal events. YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was NOT your place to jump in and get in touch with MY parents.
WHO ARE YOU??????????
If you like my Blog, I can change the settings so that you can read everything EXCEPT personal postings. If you don't send me a message through the Blog mail, I will have to make this a PRIVATE Blog.....meaning that the only ones who see it are the ones I invite. I don't like doing that. And I absolutely HATE that my privacy was invaded in such a *stab-in-the-back* manner!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I write is NOT for people to tattle to my parents. If I had wanted them to know....I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO TELL THEM!!!!!!! Were you looking for a thrill by showing them? Are you one of those gossipy jerks who just HAS to get involved......in something that has NOTHING to do with you?? Like I said, if I wanted to tell my elderly parents what had happened.....maybe I would have once that event was long past and a part of ancient history.....because by THAT time, they wouldn't be so upset.
YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER JERK AND I WANT YOU OFF MY BLOG!!!!! WHY would ANYONE show an elderly couple who love me those photos?????? YOU have NO ethics! Guess I should have taken photos when I lived with my husband....boy....look at these, mum. Look how pretty my husband made me look today. But I've barely told them anything, and you darn well had better NOT be relating anything I've said about HIM to my parents!!!!!!!!!
I'll give you a day to respond to this. I won't answer you back. I will just change the settings so that you can see the funny, the amusing, the nice photos, watch the videos. I mean.....that's why you joined my Blog, RIGHT?? Not to get a thrill out of the few postings I've made that were completely OFF LIMITS to a busy-body like yourself! Take your little spying eyes and tattling mouth and GET OUT OF HERE. And if I don't hear from you in a day, my Blog goes Private. I don't want to do that because it means that new people who cross through my Blog, decide to check it out, and find that they like it (except for the past few months, where I haven't been doing much of anything funny because of DEATH and now this incident)....well, they can't see anything and join my neighborhood OR just check out my Blog from time to time....because it will be in Private setting. That takes away the whole purpose of my posting at all.....to entertain people. And I'm mad as [bleep] at YOU for interfering where you had NO right.....regardless of what happened to me. You are NOT my parents' own little personal spy!!!!
So send me a message or I go Private, which defeats the whole purpose of my Blog in the first place!!!!!!! Can you tell that I'm MAD at you??? You have NO common sense to have done what you did...nada, nil, none. It was an extremely selfish and unethical motive to send ANYTHING to my parents.....my gosh, especially those photos!!!!!! THEY ARE ELDERLY!!!! And if my dad strokes out or something happens to my mum, it rests on YOUR head!!!! I am 43-years old. I don't need a babysitter who wants to live vicariously through MY life. GET AWAY FROM ME.
1. Send me a private Blog message with name and Username
2. I will change the settings so you can still see everything that is non-personal (because that is the reason you look at my Blog, correct? It couldn't possibly be that you're NOSEY!!!!!!!!!
3. If I don't hear from you in one day, then I HAVE to go Private. It also means I have to dump a lot of people from my neighborhood, who are perfectly innocent, but I don't know who the "spy" is. In fact, you may not even be in my neighborhood....you might just watch my Blog. That means I'd be deleting people who are so undeserving of that. But, at least by being Private, I can entertain my own neighborhood and even talk about personal issues. Jeepers....did you send those photos to my parents where I was wearing the slinky red outfit with the high black boots?? You are NOT my internet moniter!!!!!!!
4. ONE DAY. Then things will have to change because of YOU. Thanks for violating my private space and showing parts of my Blog to my parents!!! I can't believe anyone would do such a thing!!!! What, exactly, were you hoping to achieve?? WHAT?????? Do you think those photos really, truly made my parents feel good? Are you out of your mind?? I wouldn't even show them to my parents.....and who the heck are YOU to do it???????? Stop hiding, and tell me who you are.
Demons exist, alright. Even if only in our minds.
A mind full of memories is like a minefield of memories.
That first brutality we never expected and didn’t know why it had come, the first loss of a friend we thought would be ours forever, that first humiliation at school, taunts of our peers or teachers, the first betrayal of love by our parents, or our best friend, or the person we thought was our “soul mate.” All of these shocks to our system, bring each of us our own singular demons.
And when we squelched these memories, we hope we’ve squelched our demons, too.
But, they’re just burrowing underground. Until something– a chance remark by our spouse, a careless cold glance by a co-worker– makes our psyches jump back, accidentally stepping on the wrong buried recollection, and it explodes our insides.
That’s when the demons come out and feed. No matter how strong we get, how valiantly we’re aware and work to defeat them, they’re always there.
On the days we’re strongest, they stay hungry, huddled and small, thwarted and disappointed. But, in our weakest hours– when the one we love doesn’t smile at us, when the words we wrote, the deeds we accomplished, weren’t good enough; when our bodies feel enfeebled by stress, or sadness, or lack of sleep, or hunger, or disappointment, or fear, those are the hours that make our demons sing their strident, discordant, gleefully wicked song.
They sing that that line on our face is not just a line, but the end of our youth, the end of our life. Or that the work we’re trying to accomplish will never be accomplished, because we’re failures, really. Or that our spouse’s seeming distance from us signifies the end of the love we’ve shared. Or even that the son or daughter whom we love desperately, who’s has his or her own demons is not doing well, and that’s our fault, too, because we’re such a useless parent.
On and on and on those demons serenade us these despairs and many more, louder and louder, until we can’t hear anything but their song. And then, finally, we believe in it.
We believe the five pounds we’ve gained that won’t come off looks like thirty, the stories we write, the music we make, the work we produce, are as worthless as we are; our friends don’t care about us anymore, the world we wish existed never will (and in many ways, that’s our fault, too), and the family we love is stuck with us, all the while, they’re wishing desperately that we were better, smarter, skinnier, prettier, more handsome, younger, more successful, more loving, more perfect, more Not Us.
Some of us become so used to the presence of demons, so secure in the misery they bring, that we don’t feel quite comfortable, quite ‘ourselves,’ somehow, unless we’re surrounded by them. Those are the ones of us who hang onto the backstabbing ‘best friend’, or the ‘lover’ who abuses us, or the boss who cheats us, because all three of these, we tell ourselves, “need us.”
And they do need us. They need us to feed on, just like our demons do. And we let them feed, because like the demons we created in our heads, we allow those people to lurk about and suck out our souls.
Sometimes all it takes is just one angel– just one, to help us fight. A kind word, a note of encouragement, a short praise, a smile. They all help keep the demons from winning, don’t they? We can even find our own angels inside ourselves, too, there beside the demons, who help keep those devils shrunk, through exercise, healthy food, meditation or prayer.
But there’s always that day, that one damned day, when angels of any kind allude us. That’s the day when we feel that we’d do almost anything to obliterate them, take that one drink, swallow that one pill, in the hopes of sleeping that one sleep we wish would last forever, in order to keep the demons away.
Yet, they continue to jab at us and jab at us, until we’re the ones hungry, huddled and small, and they are the ones soaring with triumph, their searing heat stoking the flames of despair, higher and higher until we are burned and consumed.
They can never go. Because they are always a part of us.
...And how was your week?
Lyrics:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...
(Chorus)
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...
(Chorus)
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
(Chorus)
Good news. An officer came by, went through everything with me, and he will be sending someone from Ident to come and do measurements on my bruises and photos of anything that is visible....including the back of my feet where my shoes were digging in. He hopes Ident will show up today because they don't work on Sundays unless it's an emergency....so that would mean Monday, and by then....a lot of the marks on my hands, at least, would be healed. He kept wanting to know if the bruise on my face could have been a punch...kept going back to that...so obviously was looking towards an assault angle. I also can't wash my pants or socks because they might be able to get something off of that. Unfortunately I had washed my jacket because I NEED it.
And I'm going to have to "expose myself", so to speak, so that photos and measurements can be taken of where the pants dug in.....and since they were low-risers....yikes!
This is a better cam photo of my facial bruise. Does it look like a punch because, in all honesty, I have absolutely no idea how I got it. I think if he punched me, he would have had me because he had quite a grip to him. So it was probably a boulder or something....because I was falling a lot. I mean, I even got into a swamp somehow....with bullrushes!!!! And it was only the almost-full moon that was giving me any light. If it hadn't been for that, I probably wouldn't have been able to stop a lot of those falls because I wouldn't have seen anything to grab ahold of.
Anyways.....here's another facial cam photo. Does it look like it could be from someone's hand? He was checking my neck, too, but believe me.....I know what it's like to be strangled. 12 years of marriage, remember?
Another facial cam pic of my facial bruise and bump. Does it look like it could be from a punch? If so, maybe I can try to focus more on when he was close enough to do something like that.
I phoned the non-emergency number at the police. Hmmmm, she didn't know why the officer didn't return my call. And now she is off for 4 days, but she will leave a note for her to call me then. Four days?? That's not such a safe idea.
She then transferred me to a Report Taker. Obviously a civilian. Even sounded like he typed with one finger. He got my description of the man that I have now. But....what about my marks? What about my clothes? Shouldn't I show the places to an officer...because the man had a really good spot! Well.....they are REALLY busy today, but he will see if an officer should come over and take pictures....but don't wash my dirty clothes for two days. In other words......nothing is going to happen. Even after explaining that he grabbed me twice and CHASED me......and I'm dinged up with marks that will fade away.......they are VERY BUSY. I am not of importance to them. "He probably won't wear the same clothes again." So? Let me show you what he does, how he does it. For gosh sake, the man CHASED me off the trail and through the woods!!! Shouldn't I be telling an officer this?
They just don't care. They are busy. And I don't even think the gentleman report taker even "got" half of what I was trying to say. And if something happens to another woman, there will not be any official report or photos of me to show a pattern, etc. And she won't know about me.....and if she DOES get away....I hope they don't just toss her aside as well. VERY BUSY, you know. Not violent enough.
I haven't slept, I don't think. Am I supposed to be waiting for someone or a phone call? This man wouldn't answer me with a "yes" or a "no". Just that he would pass the information through that department (right, sure....WHEN?). Sooo....do I wait for a phone call then? Oh, we are VERY busy today. But the marks will be healing, and other photos aren't official. And why would I wait 2 days before washing my clothes? That means that no one is coming.
As the song said:
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I am tired, and no one notices me.....no matter how long and hard I scream. Am I even here?? Why is it that people consider me to be so worthless? My body HURTS, and my brain wants to stop. Whatever my purpose was in this world, it has long been fulfilled. My life ended 3 years ago.....and I've only been "existing" since then.
Boo hoo, S2B. Pity party for one, please. And make it to go. I'm tired.
Song from an episode of the television series, "Prison Break", sung by Simple Plan.
Lyrics:
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
By the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
But no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto
A time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
I was stupid last night. I walked the trail too late at night. No, I wasn't raped....but it wasn't from lack of trying. I couldn't remember very much when I finally got home and called the police. There were 3 officers here while others were checking the trail and woods. They found nothing, and I had already cleaned up and changed my clothes by the time they arrived. They were muddy and cold and wet, and I was freezing. My shoes were soaked. When the officers were here, I had my arms folded...so they didn't see my hands. My facial bruising didn't start until this morning. I wasn't aware of the mark on my belly. And I certainly wasn't feeling all these aches and stiffness that I have now. I limp because the outside portion of my right knee hurts, my left hip feels like it wants to pop out, I have a headache that won't go away, and everything HURTS. I don't even have my full memory back yet.
The police didn't find anything, and I couldn't really even describe anything. I couldn't remember much. Just kicking at him, and then running off into the woods....with him after me. But they don't even know that he chased me! I just wasn't thinking well. The lady officer tells me to call her today....she started her shift at 7pm. Well, I called at 8pm. She was on a call. So....as of now....that was 8 hours ago. Since I wasn't raped and I was clean with fresh clothes on, then I must be a prankster, right? I'm not even worth the time to just give me a short phone call between her assignments to let me know she's busy....or to even send anyone else over. Do I wash my clothes (they are full of mud and grass and dirt and who knows what?!) Do I try to clean my shoes (they are leather, and I probably ruined them now)? No, I wasn't raped. An officer asked over the radio, "Violent?" And one of the officers here with me answered that it wasn't. No, I wasn't raped. But I'm pretty banged up, my ear wants to have an earache. And I'm scared that I'm going to have a flare-up of my neck injury when my darling ex-husband tried to pull my head off my shoulders years ago.
Sure, I've felt a lot worse than this when you compare it to what I've been through with my ex-husband.....but I feel like I was just abandoned and thought of as worthless and a waste of time. The cam photos don't do any justice to what the injuries even look like. And you certainly can't see that my knee or hip or head hurts. But I was so cold. I wanted out of those clothes. I wanted all that dirt off my body and out from under my fingernails. I was FILTHY. They kept asking if I wanted someone to look at me...but I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was hurt. I don't know. And I couldn't even find my way back home. I actually got lost in my own "backyard". I wandered for so long, and then when I finally got home....I couldn't give the police any helpful information. I used up police resources for NOTHING. The man was long gone by then, and I couldn't even describe him. I have more of my memory now....but I feel like I'm not worth their effort. Not even a short phone call back to me to say, maybe, that she would be out in the morning. ANYTHING. Stupid is as stupid does. I guess I deserved it.
Torn-up hands...that I hid under a sweater from the police.
Hard to see, but giant bruise under my eye. Extends to where my fingers are.
Again, difficult to make out on this photo. Red rub marks where my low-riser jeans with a big belt buckle were yanked. And my tummy is flat....the cam makes me look mishapen!
A little better photo of the facial bruise.
If the Bugs Bunny costume is hiding a male underneath, I hope there is enough padding that he doesn't feel the sexual harrassment. Sure would be frustrating, though, to see what the girl is doing and not be able to enjoy it. Hee hee. If the Bugs Bunny costume is being worn by a female, well.....let's just say that I hope she's not getting off on the tender fondling. LOL. Regardless, Bugsy sure does look happy!
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